Sometimes

I often fear dwelling on the past and what was.  There have been obstacles in my past and sometimes, perhaps courtesy of my "mental acuteness", I find myself terrified of it's return.  I think (and welcome the possibility of being wrong) that any form of "recovery" carries with it the fear of "relapse".

I remember ten years ago, five years ago, not being able to breathe.  The sheer terror that accompanied any moment I found myself alone.  Being unable to walk out the front door, petrified of being revealed in such an unforgiving world.  I remember it with such depth of emotion that the prospect of returning to that place often finds a way into my thoughts and still on occasion guides my actions.

These flashbacks are especially obvious to me in moments I'm forced to realize how far I've come.  

I flew to Calgary and back at the start of the week.  A city I haven't been to since I was forced to leave Team Canada.  I was out there representing an amazing group of coworkers, interfacing with a very important client, and successfully deepening some very important relationships, alone.  A few years ago I couldn't keep a full time job, could not travel, would not fly, and feared doing most things without support by my side.

Today I flew to Ottawa and back to present to some coworkers.  Again facing all of these realizations with the added bonus of boarding a plane, coincidentally, with one of the camera crew from the team filming the documentary I am apart of.  A very pointed reminder and slightly humorous.

I guess what I know for sure, sometimes, I need to take a moment not to fear my past but instead acknowledge where I am today.  And more importantly, I need to take the time to share those moments with the incredible people I have in my life and so many more who understand.

There is hope...such incredible hope.